I went out the other day with Girlfriend in one of her new outfits. We got a milkshake at McDonald’s and walked around downtown at dusk. It was scary and fun and tense and silly. It was a little exhausting because I was so worried that someone would recognize us (Girlfriend isn’t out and currently wants it to stay that way).

It was also tiring to constantly be worried about how other people would react to two girls holding hands or kissing. We’ve both lived with heterosexual privilege for the past 5 years and giving it up isn’t going to be easy.

There were more than a couple people who looked at us with less than friendly expressions and demeanors. I didn’t know if they were being transphobic or homophobic, but either way it both angered me and made me feel uncomfortable. And although Girlfriend didn’t talk about the evening much other than to say that it felt like everyone was staring at her/us (and to say later that it was so nice get to feel and act like a “real girl,” by which I assume she means acting like the girl she really is), those unfriendly glances made me worry about her and her safety when she goes out in feminine clothing/make-up. 

I hate that I have to feel this way about it. I wish the world wasn’t a place that didn’t necessitate such worry. Seeing her happy at the end of the night because she was able to express herself the way she wanted to was so beautiful. Why can’t other people understand that and let trans* people live without hate or violence against them?

Obviously, this only applies to someone who you’ve had/are consensually planning on having sex with. Otherwise, it’s none of your business and you shouldn’t ask.

But if you and your trans* partner are going to continue to have a healthy sexual relationship (not that sex is necessary for a relationship, of course), it’s a good idea to ask if they would like to change anything about how you two interact during sexual activities. Things that you used to think were allowed and liked might be out of bounds now that your partner has told you about their gender identity and possibly their dysphoria. Maybe the two of you will try some new things to make sex more enjoyable for your partner.

And if you’re me, maybe your girlfriend will look at you after you timidly ask if she wants to do anything different during sex like you just suggested that she cut off her own leg.

“Why would I want to do that?” We were driving to the mall today, and the heat had us both exhausted. 

“Um, I don’t know. But if you did, we could talk about it.”

“I don’t. I like the stuff we do,” she said, grinning. “Don’t worry.”

“I just wanted to make sure you knew that we could-“

“No, I don’t want to change anything! Christ!”

She wasn’t actually mad, she just seemed to think it was odd that I was asking. “Well, it’s better that I ask then keep doing something that you don’t like, right?”

She nodded, and looked over at me with that exasperated smile that seemed to say “You’re so cute when you’re worrying about me.”

And even though I could tell that she thought I was silly for even asking, I was still glad that I brought it up because there are things that she won’t tell me unless I ask. And continuing to have sex in a way that stops her from fully, safely, and comfortably enjoying herself would be far worse than any fleeting awkwardness that my question caused.

“But that’s not really who you are,” I responded, willing my tears back into my eyes. I was getting emotional again, which I hate doing when we talk about the recent news about her gender identity. Seeing her being able to express who she is shouldn’t be anything sad or tearful, I keep telling myself. So why do I keep crying every time we talk about it?

This time, I was letting the hopelessness of seeing her as she truly is on the inside overwhelm we. We’ve been together for so long, and I feel like I’ve grown up looking at her as a boy and then a man, never knowing that the person I love most in the world really identifies as a woman. And regardless of how supportive I am or how absolutely fine (and really pretty great) it is for her to finally tell me, it’s been so difficult to stop seeing her that way. When I’m caught off guard and just looking at her, I still forget. And I hate it.

“It really isn’t that big of deal,” she repeated. “It’s been, what, less than a week? This isn’t going to happen overnight and that’s okay.” I gave her a watery smile. My amazing girlfriend, folks. Dealing with being a woman in a body she doesn’t want, never knowing if she can ever come out to her family and other friends. Facing a life so unfairly made harder by a world that makes her feel abnormal. And she’s comforting her cis girlfriend who has to be the most impatient person on the planet.

So that’s what I need to remember and what I want to talk about here: Patience. Especially if you’ve known/loved someone for a long time, it can be hard to, without second thought, see them as they truly identify. Using the correct pronouns isn’t always easy, and if your partner hasn’t come out to family or friends it gets even trickier switching back and forth. But that part wasn’t so hard for me to remember. The hard part isn’t remembering to say “her” instead of “him,” but continuing to try every day to think of her the way she thinks about herself. I can’t say I’m supporting her if I don’t do that. She’s important, and her identity is important.

I’m in my early 20s and I’m a queer ciswoman. I grew up in a pretty average middle class family, and I’m currently attending a university. Girlfriend has been a huge part of my life (even though throughout most of it I unknowingly called her my boyfriend) and we’ve each done a lot of growing up throughout the course of this relationship. We’re high school sweethearts and best friends. I started to fall in love with her, even at a very young age, because of her ability to make me laugh or smile even when I didn’t want to or think that I could. That’s in addition to the fact that she’s charming, she’s witty, she’s silly and lovely and wonderful. I’ve loved her for so long and she is a part of me that will never go away or disappear. Going through life with her thus far has taught me an indescribable amount about the world, relationships, and myself. And I have a feeling that I’m about to learn a whole lot more.

I’m a feminist and up until now, I felt that supporting the trans* community was an important part of considering myself both an intersectional activist and a decent human being. I cared about/advocated for trans* folk, but now that interest is already starting to play a huge role in my life. I want to fight for my girlfriend and the love of my life. I can’t bear to think that there are people who would see her as less of a person because she isn’t cis. I’m a bit of a fighter, I’m stubborn and passionate and I hate seeing the people I love in pain. And that’s why I am going to support and love my girl in every way I can, and I am going to fight for her and do everything I can to make this world a place she can be herself in without fear or persecution. 

I’m not perfect, and I know I will make mistakes and say things that maybe I shouldn’t. I know that there will be a lot of emotional ups and downs and that neither of us will have a script to follow that will lead us through it in the best, most painless way. But I love her. I love her so so much, and even though I’m still feeling pretty mixed up inside about these changes, and even though I’m worried about the future and what it will bring for the two of us, I will be there for her. Because even though this blog is focused on supporting partners of trans* people, this journey is not about me.

So make up shopping didn’t happen today due to a paycheck not going through on time. :c We’re probably going to go on Saturday now. But we diiiiiiiid try out some lipsticks today.

Girlfriend ruled out bubblegum pink after trying mine. So that’s progress. c;

I’ll be posting some more in a little while about some things we talked about tonight.

Girlfriend is excited and so am I. <3

As much as I like how she looks without make up, I understand that she deserves to express her gender however makes her happy, and if that means adding eyeliner and mascara, that’s up to her. I want to see her happy with how she looks. <3

This is the first full outfit I’ve seen Girlfriend in (I’m keeping her info and face anonymous for her own safety and security) that fit her gender identity. We went shopping together, and I saw how happy just a change of clothes can make her. She’s so pretty and I love her. <3 And I honestly think this outfit suits her, the her I’ve always known, the person who has not changed and who has always had a strong feminine side. 

She isn’t planning on coming out to anybody but me for some time, (possibly a long time, according to her), but I can tell she feels so much more comfortable in clothes like this instead of jeans from the men’s department and a loose t-shirt. I think she looks great no matter what, but I know this is how she wants to look and that these changes are not for me. She knows (I hope she knows) that find her attractive and beautiful no matter what she is wearing, but that she in no way needs to do what I think looks good.