Thinking of my future with Girlfriend is probably one of the number one stressers in my life right now.

Last month, we went to my brother’s wedding together. I had the best time, and it really was a beautiful day. But it makes me feel so miserable and defeated to think that Girlfriend and I can probably never have that.

We don’t live in a place that allows for same-sex marriage, which is only the tip of the iceberg. I’m pretty sure that Girlfriend will decide to come out and transition one day, which means that we will one day risk estranging ourselves from our families. I really have no idea how any of our parents would react, but suffice to say, for two traditional Catholic families, I’m not sure which part they would take worse: Girlfriend being transgender, or us being lesbians. Pretty much everyone in our respective families thinks we’re heterosexual, and I have no intention of changing that until I have to. 

But what I’m saying is that no matter how well my parents take it, or how her parents react, there will always be people in our lives who will not be able to deal with it. Girlfriend being trans*, both of us being queer. Which means that not only will we be potentially estranged from some of our families, our wedding (if it ever becomes legal for us to marry, that is) can never really be like the one we’ve both always dreamed of. Everyone won’t be able to just be happy for us. There will be people who can’t stop thinking their twisted, bigoted thoughts. There will be people who refuse to go. And why? Because the love of my life will one day be honest with the people we love about her identity? Fuck. That.

And I know that marriage is a flawed institution, I know that it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. But if you’re going to stick up your nose at a dream we’ve shared since adolescence, then you can keep your opinions to yourself. I mean, who wouldn’t want to celebrate being in love by having a big party with good food, dancing, and an open bar?

It’s just, the more and more I think about it, the more I’m realizing that a dream wedding isn’t in the cards for us. Because we live in a world where Girlfriend is seen by so many as some kind of sexual deviant, because so many people care more about upholding those harmful gender roles than about the wellbeing of queer people, we have had that dream stolen from us.

And it makes me sadder than I’m really ready to admit right now. 

This post is to remind everyone that a person doesn’t have to write their gender identity in stone and never let it evolve. 

Girlfriend is pretty sure she identifies as a woman, but she found out about gender fluidity the other day. She has every right to be able to make the decision that a different gender identity fits her better. Just because she identifies a certain way now, doesn’t mean she always has to identify that way as she learns more about herself throughout her life.

Girlfriend got some cover up and eye make-up, mostly on the cheaper side so she can figure out what she likes without spending a lot. And I bought some new powder.

Next on Girlfriend’s cosmetics wish list are lipstick, powder, and powder/eyeshadow brushes.

She didn’t get a chance to try anything on yet because we met up with some friends last night. I found myself avoiding using Girlfriend’s pronouns as much as possible around my friends because I don’t like saying “he” and “his” when I know that they are wrong. :c 

Hopefully I can help Girlfriend with make-up things tomorrow because we’ll hardly be seeing each other for the rest of the week due to both of us starting new (and for me, a second) jobs.

Obviously, this only applies to someone who you’ve had/are consensually planning on having sex with. Otherwise, it’s none of your business and you shouldn’t ask.

But if you and your trans* partner are going to continue to have a healthy sexual relationship (not that sex is necessary for a relationship, of course), it’s a good idea to ask if they would like to change anything about how you two interact during sexual activities. Things that you used to think were allowed and liked might be out of bounds now that your partner has told you about their gender identity and possibly their dysphoria. Maybe the two of you will try some new things to make sex more enjoyable for your partner.

And if you’re me, maybe your girlfriend will look at you after you timidly ask if she wants to do anything different during sex like you just suggested that she cut off her own leg.

“Why would I want to do that?” We were driving to the mall today, and the heat had us both exhausted. 

“Um, I don’t know. But if you did, we could talk about it.”

“I don’t. I like the stuff we do,” she said, grinning. “Don’t worry.”

“I just wanted to make sure you knew that we could-“

“No, I don’t want to change anything! Christ!”

She wasn’t actually mad, she just seemed to think it was odd that I was asking. “Well, it’s better that I ask then keep doing something that you don’t like, right?”

She nodded, and looked over at me with that exasperated smile that seemed to say “You’re so cute when you’re worrying about me.”

And even though I could tell that she thought I was silly for even asking, I was still glad that I brought it up because there are things that she won’t tell me unless I ask. And continuing to have sex in a way that stops her from fully, safely, and comfortably enjoying herself would be far worse than any fleeting awkwardness that my question caused.

“But that’s not really who you are,” I responded, willing my tears back into my eyes. I was getting emotional again, which I hate doing when we talk about the recent news about her gender identity. Seeing her being able to express who she is shouldn’t be anything sad or tearful, I keep telling myself. So why do I keep crying every time we talk about it?

This time, I was letting the hopelessness of seeing her as she truly is on the inside overwhelm we. We’ve been together for so long, and I feel like I’ve grown up looking at her as a boy and then a man, never knowing that the person I love most in the world really identifies as a woman. And regardless of how supportive I am or how absolutely fine (and really pretty great) it is for her to finally tell me, it’s been so difficult to stop seeing her that way. When I’m caught off guard and just looking at her, I still forget. And I hate it.

“It really isn’t that big of deal,” she repeated. “It’s been, what, less than a week? This isn’t going to happen overnight and that’s okay.” I gave her a watery smile. My amazing girlfriend, folks. Dealing with being a woman in a body she doesn’t want, never knowing if she can ever come out to her family and other friends. Facing a life so unfairly made harder by a world that makes her feel abnormal. And she’s comforting her cis girlfriend who has to be the most impatient person on the planet.

So that’s what I need to remember and what I want to talk about here: Patience. Especially if you’ve known/loved someone for a long time, it can be hard to, without second thought, see them as they truly identify. Using the correct pronouns isn’t always easy, and if your partner hasn’t come out to family or friends it gets even trickier switching back and forth. But that part wasn’t so hard for me to remember. The hard part isn’t remembering to say “her” instead of “him,” but continuing to try every day to think of her the way she thinks about herself. I can’t say I’m supporting her if I don’t do that. She’s important, and her identity is important.

Girlfriend is excited and so am I. <3

As much as I like how she looks without make up, I understand that she deserves to express her gender however makes her happy, and if that means adding eyeliner and mascara, that’s up to her. I want to see her happy with how she looks. <3

allthevalidation:

While this was originally aimed at those suffering from/recovering from self harm, the message can resonate for all of us. Everyone is going through something.

(Source: )

My long time partner told me a week ago that she is transgender. If you don’t know, that means that she was born in a body that does not fit her female gender identity. We have been together for over 5 years and using female pronouns instead of male ones, or seeing my beautiful girlfriend as the woman that she is on the inside will not change how much I love her and want to be with her. But that doesn’t mean that I am not struggling with this change in identity for her and how it affects our relationship and our future together. 

I created this blog to talk about my trans* girlfriend, her journey to discover herself as a woman, and the changes that we are both going to be making to ourselves, our relationship, and how we think about gender and and gender roles. She knows about this blog and encouraged me to start it after I researched trans* partner blogs and found only one MTF-specific (“male to female,” which is how my girlfriend currently identifies) partner blog. I want a safe, anonymous place to talk about what we are both going through in the hopes that it will help me better come to terms with the changes facing us and that I will find others who want to share experiences about their transgendered partner or own gender identities.